An open letter

This entry comes sooner than I thought. It was actually inspired by a conversation I had on the phone with my father the other night and a long conversation I had with myself in the shower tonight. Anyone who knows me, knows I think in the shower, I take a shower when I’m depressed and need to clear things out of my head. It had nothing to do with the routine of soap, shave, lather rinse and repeat but rather the solitary time where there is no glow of a computer screen, the booming music from the headphones, the clicking of the keys on the cellphone, there is just time to reflect. That is something I haven’t done for a long time, or when I do think or tell myself I’ve thought about it I sometimes get irrational and try to make excuses to stand behind what I say or my actions. I knew I had a point and it wasn’t just about showers, but I bet I had you scared for a moment that I would talk all about showers, huh?  Well no, but it was part of the story and offered ambiance for where I’m trying to go with for this blog.

I’ve always been a strong, loud mouthed and overly opinionated young woman. Yeah I threw in young there because I’m slightly freaking out that in a few short months I will be 26 and I won’t be graduating until I’m 27 which is close to 30 and I feel like a failure that I haven’t done this sooner or haven’t started the family life or searching for the man for the rest of my life.  Anyways, that’s for another entry. I’ve always jumped the gun on things and I fail to think about the repercussions and how it could affect others.  That’s not to say..okay this is where my entry gets confusing because I’m literally spewing out what I’m thinking at this exact time and not all of it is planned out, just the overall tone is what is planned. My thoughts and opinions are very much my own and I fully believe in voicing concerns and feelings freely. I hate feeling like I have to be reformed or caged to please others but this is where my father comes into play BIG TIME. He didn’t influence me to write this, he doesn’t even know I am, he doesn’t really know how well his words sink in with his children, but they do!  Alright anyways I’ve realized that I really need to stop and think if what I am say is really what I feel or if it’s in the heat of the moment

I don’t hold my breath, I don’t bite my tongue and I don’t back down to no one but again this is where I play two sides. I’m tough, I push people away considering I’ve seen the worst in people from the time I was younger than 3. People can say I don’t remember things all they want but the memories are imprinted in my brain and I get trust issues like nobody would believe. It’s also why I don’t date, I don’t let anyone in and when I did let someone in; they screwed up once and I shoved them so hard out of my life that there was no possible way they could ever get back. I started building walls as soon as I had him out the door. This is all beside the point and really off topic. I need to learn to be more zen and with holding onto this anger and confusion, these brick walls, these feelings of whatever I have I’m doing more harm than good. Not just to others but myself.  ANYWAYS. I’ve hurt people and I’ve said things I’m not proud of in the least bit.  I locked myself up at the first chance I could from ANY feelings and I never let them in. I love my family, it’s ridiculous how much I light up when I see my uncle (The other uncle I have isn’t in my life) I just have become so good at hiding it that I actually do stupid things like pretend I don’t like him or my grandma. I know they mean well, but I’ve guarded myself so long that it’s hard to let the walls down. I doubt either of them read this, and maybe it’s a good thing they don’t but if they do; I am completely sorry for my actions and words and I will spend the rest of my life tearing down walls and letting you all in and give myself a chance to have a few good moments with people I care about.  I really hope “It’s never too late” counts in this situation, because, my father is absolutely right and I need to learn to just chill out and not everything that is said is an attack against me.  Anyways, I can’t change that I said it and it either did or didn’t offend people, but I can say that I am deeply sorry that I said it and it had to even be a thought in my head.

 And dear father, I know you read these or Penne does, and I want to say thank you to the both of you for being there when it’s needed. I know I don’t really talk to Penne much but I do adore her so much for making you really happy and the best person you could possibly be. I love you very much. 2013 is all about change and being a better person, one step at a time but I will become a person people want to actually be around. Anyone else I have every offended or hurt by my words or actions, I love you and I cherish you for being in my life.

Till next time,  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Amanda.