An open letter

This entry comes sooner than I thought. It was actually inspired by a conversation I had on the phone with my father the other night and a long conversation I had with myself in the shower tonight. Anyone who knows me, knows I think in the shower, I take a shower when I’m depressed and need to clear things out of my head. It had nothing to do with the routine of soap, shave, lather rinse and repeat but rather the solitary time where there is no glow of a computer screen, the booming music from the headphones, the clicking of the keys on the cellphone, there is just time to reflect. That is something I haven’t done for a long time, or when I do think or tell myself I’ve thought about it I sometimes get irrational and try to make excuses to stand behind what I say or my actions. I knew I had a point and it wasn’t just about showers, but I bet I had you scared for a moment that I would talk all about showers, huh?  Well no, but it was part of the story and offered ambiance for where I’m trying to go with for this blog.

I’ve always been a strong, loud mouthed and overly opinionated young woman. Yeah I threw in young there because I’m slightly freaking out that in a few short months I will be 26 and I won’t be graduating until I’m 27 which is close to 30 and I feel like a failure that I haven’t done this sooner or haven’t started the family life or searching for the man for the rest of my life.  Anyways, that’s for another entry. I’ve always jumped the gun on things and I fail to think about the repercussions and how it could affect others.  That’s not to say..okay this is where my entry gets confusing because I’m literally spewing out what I’m thinking at this exact time and not all of it is planned out, just the overall tone is what is planned. My thoughts and opinions are very much my own and I fully believe in voicing concerns and feelings freely. I hate feeling like I have to be reformed or caged to please others but this is where my father comes into play BIG TIME. He didn’t influence me to write this, he doesn’t even know I am, he doesn’t really know how well his words sink in with his children, but they do!  Alright anyways I’ve realized that I really need to stop and think if what I am say is really what I feel or if it’s in the heat of the moment

I don’t hold my breath, I don’t bite my tongue and I don’t back down to no one but again this is where I play two sides. I’m tough, I push people away considering I’ve seen the worst in people from the time I was younger than 3. People can say I don’t remember things all they want but the memories are imprinted in my brain and I get trust issues like nobody would believe. It’s also why I don’t date, I don’t let anyone in and when I did let someone in; they screwed up once and I shoved them so hard out of my life that there was no possible way they could ever get back. I started building walls as soon as I had him out the door. This is all beside the point and really off topic. I need to learn to be more zen and with holding onto this anger and confusion, these brick walls, these feelings of whatever I have I’m doing more harm than good. Not just to others but myself.  ANYWAYS. I’ve hurt people and I’ve said things I’m not proud of in the least bit.  I locked myself up at the first chance I could from ANY feelings and I never let them in. I love my family, it’s ridiculous how much I light up when I see my uncle (The other uncle I have isn’t in my life) I just have become so good at hiding it that I actually do stupid things like pretend I don’t like him or my grandma. I know they mean well, but I’ve guarded myself so long that it’s hard to let the walls down. I doubt either of them read this, and maybe it’s a good thing they don’t but if they do; I am completely sorry for my actions and words and I will spend the rest of my life tearing down walls and letting you all in and give myself a chance to have a few good moments with people I care about.  I really hope “It’s never too late” counts in this situation, because, my father is absolutely right and I need to learn to just chill out and not everything that is said is an attack against me.  Anyways, I can’t change that I said it and it either did or didn’t offend people, but I can say that I am deeply sorry that I said it and it had to even be a thought in my head.

 And dear father, I know you read these or Penne does, and I want to say thank you to the both of you for being there when it’s needed. I know I don’t really talk to Penne much but I do adore her so much for making you really happy and the best person you could possibly be. I love you very much. 2013 is all about change and being a better person, one step at a time but I will become a person people want to actually be around. Anyone else I have every offended or hurt by my words or actions, I love you and I cherish you for being in my life.

Till next time,  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Amanda.

Reflections of a hectic time.

I knew I was going to neglect this thing, but really I couldn't be blamed! I put full blame on life. I've been prepping whole heartedly into gearing up for my first year of college. I'm twenty-five and I haven't been in a class room since grade twelve ( seven years!!!) I'm nervous to be going back at such an older age but it's really to my benefit. You are never too old to go back and change your life to make your future better. Put in the application for my student ID. I had to make sure I got my immunizations up to date and a dreaded check up- I haven't been to the doctors in six years so I had to suck it up. I had to get a police record check, which now takes four-six weeks to get to you and no you can't pay extra to get it right away anymore and I start school in a month and still no police record in the mail! On top of that I had to take a first aid and level C CPR class for a weekend. I can now save people's lives from infant to adults! I had to do a blackboard class and register for orientation. The to do list before there are actual assignments thrown into my lap are chaotic. I still need to buy books (I have to wait for OSAP to kick in) and a book bag for school. There is also the joyous pain in the ass of spending roughly $100 on a bus pass + picture for next month. The whole reason I even went back to school or at least convinced myself to at least try and see what the stars align was the fact that I got laid off in May. If it wasn't for them letting me go I would never have had the courage to see if I could do better with my life; I would forever be working as the office bitch.

Another thing I've been too preoccupied with is Christmas. The shopping, the decorating the celebrations it's all so hectic even when you have nothing planned. I seem to have to plan for the planning of whatever it is I'm doing.  Last year I didn't feel the Christmas cheer but this year nothing excites me more than Christmas movies and decorating. I wanted to decorate starting December 1st weekend and REALLY deck the damn halls but I had my CPR training so I've been counting down to the weekend of the eight. Today (The seventh) we're relaxing before the big day tomorrow. I still have to pull everything out from storage and get the music ready, hot chocolate and everything else. The dogs are getting their Christmas on with their collars and as hectic as it is, I've never been more excited.  I'm even happy to sit there awkwardly and get back handed compliments from my dad's mom about my weight, hair, color of clothes, school, etc. No matter what I do, I know I have to ignore it and I really don't care what they say or think, but no matter what I always feel like I'm the black sheep, the outcast of the family. I'm looked down on or I don't do good enough by them because I don't have the same mom as my brothers. It's disheartening and I have voiced that feeling; but people seem to sweep it under the rug like I forgot to feel that way this year. Hells no; there's a reason why I refuse to spend Christmas eve or any family holiday with my Uncle and Grandmother under the same roof for longer than a few hours.

You can't chose your family and I do endure the one day to be able to see my father; who I can guesstimate that out of my entire life excluding the two and a half years I lived with my dad I have seen/been with my father collectively under ten years and it got even worse after he left the city and moved to Vancouver before he moved to New Brunswick. Now I'm lucky if I see him three times a year. I know as I grow older and my brothers do to we all have lives with school, work and life but a daughters first relationship with a man is her father and I sometimes feel like I really missed out. I love him more than I can ever express to him. Then there are my brothers. I would do anything for them and I really don't get a chance to see them if I don't see my father.  My youngest brother I see more than I see my middle brother. I'm the oldest just to clarify that.  My youngest goes to the college and lives in the same city as I do. My other brother lives with his mom a lot further away so to see him is harder. The youngest and me are a lot alike. We tell each other just about everything and there isn't much I don't know about him and he doesn't know about me. We view things the same way and both have a hard time with that side of the family.

The last ordeal I've been having to deal with is my hair. I've bleached my hair starting in September I think, roughly around there anyways. It was going great for a while then my friend who did my hair used a blow dryer on my hair while there was bleach on it and well it dried the bleach; making my hair instant straw. So I had to get a haircut, so my hair went from around my bust to my chin. Then as I'm trying to repair my hair  and deep condition it starts breaking off it random and lots of places to the point I can't even comb the hair I do have over to hide the spikes. So I had to shave my head. I will be taking the three week progress photo this Saturday (The eighth). I don't like my hair being shaved and it had nothing to do with it being socially unacceptable or unpretty for a girl to have no hair. I just don't like myself with short hair.  But I must say my hair is growing really fast, super healthy and I really love the color of my natural hair. So what do I do to cover up the fiasco that is my lack of/slowly growing in hair? I wear a wig of course! It's been three weeks and I wear my wig when I go out. I've learned not to wear it when home and to wear a tuque over my head. My great aunt was the one who came over and I had a hat on-refused to take it off. She asked what it was and coaxed me out of it so now I don't run into my room to shove a hat on my head every time someone knocks on the door. Not all of my family has seen me without my wig on, and I'll keep it that way until I get to a reasonable hair growth. For now-hello family that is reading this, my father has more hair than me and no you wont get to see it!

Until next time,
Amanda.